लफ्ज़

हर लफ्ज़ में अपनी हस्ती कैद कर देता हूँ!
शायद कोई लफ्ज़ उसकी हस्ती का होके रह जाए!!
और वो पूछती है के क्यों कहते हो यह सब...

A Prerogative to Love

1.
I never could understand why people read a story to find out the ending. The story I tell never has an ending. The fact is I have got only one story to tell time and again; you see, a broken heart doesn’t have two names whose ever it is. That story doesn’t have an ending, because in my view, life goes on...
They say, in the end it all turns out good. Well, not for me! Never has been!! I am dreamer, a day dreamer and my dreams never ended happily ever after. No matter how good things looked, I always looked for some sort of blemish in a story. So that it could turn into tragedy. So that, so that... I could... could have a reason to move on. Oh, that’s that – a reason to move on.
Some talk to their mirror, others talk to people. As for me, I talk through my stories. But we all seek redemption, don’t we?

2.
a.
The biggest irony of life happens to be NOT with a person who feels lonely among crowd but with a person who feels lonely when he is alone. Even in the presence of memories you made in past, if you manage to feel lonely then you know it’s not just the present but your past also that has cheated on you. I do have memories – good and bad; but they all seem worthless in her absence.
We never looked at each other at the same time. I looked at her when she was not looking and perhaps she also did the same. I always have believed that she looked at me the same way I did, but now in retrospect, I am not sure. Till that day, I was sure there was no one else in her life but me. It occurred in a flash. She was smiling but her sorrow showed in her eyes. We can never realize the intensity of our love until there is a separation. I guess it was also the day of her realization as it was for me. I always wished to see my reflection in her eyes and when I did see her eyes, there was no place for me. I realized I didn’t have a single memory of her alone; there always was him. Perhaps I always knew it but I chose not to realize till that day.
I never could understand the reason for and plight of those who drink to forget their sorrows; I used to drink because life was a gift. Perhaps that was the first day I drank to forget someone who had been the reason for my happiness. I had a friend who, while drinking, always kept his glass half full. He used to pour more before finishing the glass and never filled the glass to the brim. His theory was interesting. A half glass symbolized his way of life – filled with a little of satisfaction and empty for want of a little more. He used to say, “The glass is only half full, the wisdom lies in letting it be.” I tried to do it in my life and failed dreadfully. As much as I poured, my glass was always empty.

b.
Let me start this with a cliché. There are two kinds of people in this world, those who blame others for their burdens and failures and those who own their burdens. I respect the later ones. I am self made man and by that I mean I own my failures and successes equally well. I don’t see anyone to whom I can accredit my successes and certainly no one to whom I can blame for my failures. I call this self-awareness.
There’s only one thing I don’t want to own – I don’t know if it is failure or success and certainly not mine. I would always want it to be her success or her failure and perhaps it was both a bit. It all started when we were friends and before I knew it she became part of my very existence. I don’t know what she saw in a man like me. I remember asking myself if I could let someone else dictate my existence.
They say men fall in love through eyes and women through ears. The mistake both of them make is that they turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to their own hearts. As much as I would like to deny I have to accept that I made that mistake.

3.
a.
In a relationship the one, who falls in love the more, has more to lose and is always the person who loses in the end, too. I had failed myself the day there was a difference in what I wanted and what I did. The costliest decision of a life for a person is the trade-off between what one wants and what one expects from oneself. I expected myself to be a part of her happiness.
I never did anything for myself. Whatever I did, I did it for her happiness. It was not a sacrifice; it was selfishness for my own happiness; at least that’s what I thought. If she was not happy how could I be happy? You see I would have lost both ways and I had, already.
For long I deluded myself into thinking that my happiness was associated with her happiness. I cannot lie to myself anymore. I wanted to be able to kiss her forehead. I wanted to lie down with her back pressed against my chest and her head touching my cheeks. I wanted to wake up and see her sleeping, the first thing in morning. I wanted to tease her and enjoy her being annoyed. I wanted to be that person in whose arms she would cry if she was hurt. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair so that she could cry to forget her pains. Most importantly I wanted a prerogative over her: a prerogative to love her, a prerogative to make love to her.

b.
I envy people who have ability to believe God, to have faith in someone. If nothing else, one has a hope to hang on. When you believe in yourself and nothing else, there is no one, no hope to hang on to. I could never put my trust in anyone, neither in God nor in love. It was after a lot of let downs I had realized that I CAN love someone but I cannot FALL in love. That’s the side effect of being a loner. I was a loner out of choice because I was afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. I could never come to terms with the idea of putting myself into someone’s control. My father had taught me never to trust anyone but myself. What he forgot to add was to trust myself to trust someone else.
I saw the ocean for the very first time, she was there. It was the day I wanted to tell her. But the vastness of ocean had dawned upon me, I was speechless. It made me feel how small I was. She was beautiful and I had a face of one whom no one had wanted to look twice. Beauty was not the only thing; I guess I might be beautiful to her if to no one else. But there was much more to it. I was poor. My poverty was not an issue for her but for my own self-esteem.
It should have ended that day. Whole of my life I have been running from realities of life. I deluded myself into believing that this is what being free is. But one thing you should know is that running isn’t freedom.

4.
a.
I don’t know what happened first – he left her or she came close to me. It didn’t matter at that time but now it seems to be important. She had a past but it didn’t count. She longed for someone else, I longed for her. Longing for something we couldn’t get was the common thing that brought us together. There could be thousand reasons to be with someone but to forget someone else is not a good enough reason.
Often it happens that fairer sex is adept at hiding their pain. Someone ought to learn from her how to hide tears with a wide smile. But I knew her so much that I could see it right through her eyes to her soul. I used to cringe like a calf being slaughtered whenever I saw her eyes. The bluest eyes I ever saw! I cringed not because her eyes were filled with grief but because that grief was for someone else.
The irony of being sacrificial is that in the end there is no one to cry for you but you. The good thing was that in those days it used to rain every day and it wasn’t a coincidence that I managed to get wet in the rain every day. Whether you hide them or not, tears always feel a little warm on cheeks.

b.
When we win something we start believing that it was because of our own ability that we won. The biggest delusion man ever has is belief in his own contribution. I will regret that I didn’t make an effort to win this time.
The most important thing in life is not the victory or the money or fame or self respect. Most important are the people. But at that time, very conveniently, I preferred to ignore what I always believed in. Now I preferred a race for money. My life had become a to-do list and it was not a choice, trust me. I wouldn’t have been able to live this life any other way. I absorbed myself in work and it became both the ends and means for me. That kept me occupied and helped me forget her, even if momentarily. I couldn’t have forgotten her otherwise.
There is a difference between doing what you love and loving what you do. I had to make do with later. If I had realized this earlier I would have made it count. Life is but an endless regret.

5.
a.
They said we see what we want to see, they never said we don’t see what we don’t want to see. A person would be standing in front of you with his whole life behind him. But since you could only see a part of it, you assume it’s the whole. The fact is we are never interested in understanding someone, we assume them to be what we want them to be.
Although it serves a purpose, going to dates has never been my forte. I never could understand the logic behind it. I mean, nobody knows what’s right or wrong with themselves how could someone else guess about it on a table in candle light. And of course if it was just a matter of finding the right things and making it work, then why not choose a random person from the crowd and get along with it.
I was hanging on a single hope that a day would come when in her heart I may fill the space he is still occupying. But she wanted to see him in me because she was not ready to give up that space to anyone else. I always have believed that to love is to find happiness. But this belief has always been at odds for me. What I thought to be love turned out to be hypocrisy of our vanity.

b.
I never expected life to be fair to me. But the least I expected was not to deny me the right of my chance at it. I always got what I wanted. But now, life was overwhelming me. I am not sure if at all chance was given to me or I lost it.
She seemed to be happy with him but perhaps she still had hope on me. I stared at her for long then I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wanted to remember this for long – her smell, what she was wearing, her hair, her face, everything about her. I hoped that this would be enough for me to hang on. I hoped that I will be able to sleep at night now. I hoped that this would be last time we see each other.
A person who has always been winner in everything can’t understand what it is to come all the way and come in second. For me, being last is far easier than coming second. When you are second, you have to face the person who beat you. That’s the most difficult thing for a winner. Now I happened to be the other person in her life – the second place. He was a better person than me in that respect. Courage was another thing. We both were looking for happiness but his way was to search for meaning of his life and I was after joy. I felt hollow in front of his pure emotion. My ego is my biggest flaw, I can think of no other reason why I thought she has no use of me now.

6.
a.
We ignore life in all its forms when we are happy or rather when we think we are happy. Life happens when something is taken from us that we desire. I faced questions which in the past to me were tragedies of common man. Everyone who has ever fallen in love thinks that break-up and separation is not for them, their love was true love not a lame summer love. Well, the thing with clichés is that they may seem lame but they strike very hard; Ignorance is bliss.
She was gone – it seemed like a long sleep. For a moment, I thought I died; I couldn’t feel anything.
I am not upset with life, perhaps life is upset with me. But I have no complaints. How could I complaint about her leaving me? I asked a single moment from her and she already had given much more than that. I never put condition of life long relationship and she never intended to do that. I will never regret that it ended; instead I would always be grateful for the moments that I cherished – the moments in which I lived years of happiness because she was there with me. Einstein was wrong. Time doesn’t flee when you are with your love, it slows down.

b.
I like sleeping alone but I don’t like to wake up alone. I always had a dream in half sleep just before waking up. I dreamt that when I wake up, my eyes would meet another pair of eyes – deep green and a pair of smiling lips would wish me good morning. But now every day I wake up in my own house and I feel I don’t belong here; these walls, furniture, bed, windows, everything – these were made for us together, not me alone.
I won’t deny I was disappointed. I shouldn’t have been; this was my choice after all. Let me reveal the secret of a happy life to you: Have no desires of your own and don’t expect anything from anyone. But then is life really worth living?
The tragedy with desires is that they never end. They are eternal just like the flow of river. I wonder if my love could have been like that. We are not imperfect because we are always in want of more, but because we always want something other than what we have.

7.
a.
I know it’s incredibly wishful to compare life with a battle. The tragedy of common man is that we glamorize our struggles with heroicness; maybe for the want of being grandeur. But the fact is struggles are not life. Struggles are the tragedy of common man not a great man. To feel otherwise is delusional.
The tragedy with me is that I was alone before and I am alone afterwards. I never found respite from my solitude. My solitude hasn’t pained me as much as the fact that this solitude had to go waste in such a way. In the end, she was unhappy. I didn’t have the fear of losing her to someone else, what hurt me was her surrender to situations. Her surrender was my surrender.
For fairer sex, as much it is easy to come close, it’s even easier to move on. Tears and sobs can get you through. It would be extremely presumptuous on my part if I believe that it was as easy with her. But what about me? You think life can be as easy as stories? Moving on is not so easy in real life; the fact is that I still am not looking for closure.
I will wait. I don’t know how long...

b.
I was aghast and angry. “You are not supposed to be here! It ended a long time ago!!”, I shouted at her. “But It didn’t, for me”, she let out a feeble cry. She was in tears. She hesitated for a moment and heralded in single breath, “I got married and we are moving to Canada.” A tear came out of my eye; the only one, from a single eye. ‘we’ is a strange term; it used to be me in her ‘we’ and now somebody replaced me. I wanted to show my anger, I wanted to be frustrated, and I wanted to shout at her. “Congratulations, I am really happy for you”, was all I could muster up to say. Perhaps she had come to see me for the last time as the girl I loved. She was wrong, mere geographies couldn’t take her from me. It is for me to decide if she is the girl I love or if she is just another girl. To love her not - that will always be my prerogative, not her. She hesitatingly twitched her arms a little in some subtle way, as if giving some indication. Perhaps she wanted to embrace me, to clinch me from my world like the very first time she did. But instead she kept looking at me. And I at her!
She was as beautiful as she was the first time I saw her. And then she left. I could never understand why she came...

सैलाब के बाद

मेरी मोहब्बत का मासूम सा फ़साना है, कागज़ की कश्ती और सावन का महीना है !
हाथ में ज़हर का पैमाना है, चट्टानों के सैलाब में धड़कता एक नगीना है !!
के अब शराब तो इक बहाना है, हमें नशा उनकी आखों का छुपाना है !!!

Life - Satisfaction and Ambitions

The glass is only half full.
The wisdom lies in letting it be.

Ideated by me, wording courtesy to Jubin Vora

Partition

It is amazing how four biggest of the giant leaders of our times were instrumental in making the worst blunder of our times

Three because of their actions and one because of his inaction

On
Jinnah - for sowing the seed to two-nation theory
Nehru - for refusing to accept Cabinet Plan
Mountbatten - for nails in the coffin - Balkanization Plan
Gandhi - for doing nothing considering he could

Ends of a Long Stick

1.
I never intended for that course of life where in the midway I have to have a sense of regret, a tendency to look back, to retrospect that there was a road which I didn't take and to wish that it could have been taken. I had never lost the direction; somehow some sense of right direction was always in my mind. You see, if you are facing right direction, all one has to do is keep walking. But when you don't know the direction itself, even a single step becomes oblivion into delusion. It was for the first time in my life, I think, I had the loose end of a ruined hope in one hand and the vagaries of my fear in the other hand. Whether or not you believe in destiny, it has its own way of telling us that man is a mere puppet in its hand. I realized this when I got a choice, when I had to choose one out of two roads ahead of me.

2.
It is said that the person who can find meaning of his life, can find eternal happiness. But happiness and meaning always have been at odds for me. They happen to be two ends of a long stick, I cannot reach both at same time.
I happened to walk a lonely road; to say it in fact, I liked a lonely life. The other fact is, I was never unhappy about my solitude because I never realized it. Actually the belief that we can only pursue happiness and actually never have it, prevailed strongly in my faith. I never sought happiness, that is why I never longed for any meaning. Perhaps that was a good choice of living a life. You are not unhappy unless you realize your unhappiness. I was comfortable in the hollow sphere of whims, I created around myself. Everyday had been passed in same state of trance and belief that there is no worry.

But a day came when I realized that life is much more than cracking jokes and laughing hysterically. I discovered myself desperately longing for a meaning of the life and wanting to find a moment of happiness that truly can be called happiness. Everyday in the morning I used to wake up with a bad breath of empty, hollow dreams. Now I had a reason, a meaning to wake up. Meaning of life was not difficult to come by, as it was the day when I met the life itself for the very first time.


3.
We used to differ on every little thing. As if destiny had played its role very well, we were inherently contrast, perhaps complementary. She was essentially a feminist, the part of her that I hated most. On the contrary she used to believe that I loved that part most. Perhaps all of it started for all the wrong reasons, but it ended for more than a wrong reason.

She and I had nothing in common except for the chip on shoulder that we both carry to justify our respective egos. Of course and but, the other exception is our egos.
I will have to boast that I was the most unconventional person around her. Maybe she fell for that. Desire is a strange thing. We think we are looking for something and then we find something else. One starts believing that what he found, was more desirous than what he was looking for. Perhaps out of choice, or perhaps out of want. Sometimes what we think we want, is not what in reality we want.

On a cursory look, one will find that she was not very attractive, more so, as a lady from Indian soils generally happens to be. In reality she was more than beautiful. She had an unintended charm about her, but intended ugliness. She was an idealist, used to believe in beauty of soul than body. Her clothes always lagged behind fashion and her dress sense was monotonous. She never wore lipstick, her hairdo was never made-up. She just used to tie her hair with the help of a rubber-band which made her forehead look bigger. Being skinny, her cheeks looked even more amplified than her forehead. But when she used to giggle, facial muscles contracted; everything came into proportion. An absolute angel! She looked like an angel but as if poverty had struck hard on that angel. An angel in rags! I guess if someone saw her naked, he could have appreciated her beauty better than what she used to keep herself. She was one kind of exception in this regard, when a girl places emphasis on individuality than appearance.
But sometimes the essence of feminism used to fail her. Occasionally she tried her hand on those girlish adventures of sartorial make-over but she had barely a sense of fashion. Instead of looking any good she became more awkward. Yellow scarves, red snickers and check sweatshirt were few of accessories in her fashion wardrobe, just to count.

What I seem to be saying is that beauty lies in eyes of beholder. For some, character is sufficient, other want appearance and there are some who want both. But sometimes these things, but anything in fact, really don't count. Sometimes, the yearning takes the place of rationale. I won't call it infatuation as it was not entirely devoid of reason. But calling it rationale will also be as false as calling it foolish. Man is not a slave of desire by choice. It just happens. Even if you want to resist it, it comes back as more of a craving. No wonder, Eve fell for the forbidden fruit.


4.
At some point we both had realized the persistence with which our hearts were failing our brains. Perhaps the only way was to accept it and face it. But not for me, not yet! I was the one who had never taken initiative on anything during my entire life. I never supposed myself to. I was always a follower, and yet; whatever I followed, I pursued persistently. She took the initiative, I should have followed. But I didn't. I couldn't. I would back off from all that when she had said it, was something I never expected from myself.

It did not even take all the words, she wished to say. It is beyond my comprehension how much difficult it would have been to muster the courage and think of those words, which in the end went unspoken. After all, it was not that difficult(or was it?) when she said that she wanted to talk something important to me. The only, plausible and by any of far means, talk could have been talk of which I have feared most in my life. "I don't know how to say this", was all she could say before I found her almost in tears. Perhaps it was her worst fear also. Girls generally have good instincts and perhaps she saw what was coming.

I thought the worst is over. No wonder, hope is opium. She made a second attempt. Perhaps she made a last ditch effort to wake up my courage. But courage is something that comes before fear. If there is fear, there is no place for courage. For once, I too thought that I can overcome my fears. Her proposal was accepted and we met at our favourite place-the shadow under the apple tree.

A respectable person can never understand the tyranny of a person who just lost his respect in front of ten individuals. And believe me the pain of losing respect in front of self is thousand times bigger.
Whatever I like to believe, the truth is I always had a soft corner for her. It was just a matter of mustering courage to come in front, which she managed to take, not me. And that precisely had hurt me a lot because I think that proved me as a coward. And the last look in her eyes had told me so. After that I never faced her. How could I?


5.
And that was it. That was where our road diverged. That was also the point we had to retrospect together and that was where our wish, for dreaming together in future, died. For her it was my cowardliness and for me there was no need of reason, I rationalized my decision in the veil of my fear.
Everyone has his share of burdens. Owning those is half the battle. But there are some people who take refuse, comfortable in running from battle. Whether or not you want, you got to believe in God. One always needs an excuse, an escape from something, some burden, he want to avoid. Believe me or not, the quantum of solace you get in God's refuse is far better than ages of pride of fighting a battle.


What happened to her after that? I don't know. I never tried to know. Perhaps I am afraid of knowing. I am not sure if my scrutiny on her or keeping in touch with her will change the things or make any difference in our lives.


You think it matters? It is not that I will regret this for rest of my life or that it broke me down to pieces that can never be collected together again. And for her part, I am not sure; perhaps she would be stronger now, or perhaps she would not have trust in life any longer. I don't know the answer. Perhaps I don't want to know. I will always like to believe that it doesn't matter; I will always like to believe that some things in life happen to be the way they are...

क़ब्र

ज़िंदगी की बुनियाद बनाने की कोशिश थी,
बस इंट पे इंट लगाते चले गये!

खुदी की इमारत पे की मोहब्बत कुर्बान थी,
बस रेत पे रेत गिराते चले गये!!

Smear on Democracy

One of the mistakes of my life has been participating in anti reservation protests. Not that there was any violence involved in it, but by the fundamental truth that in a running and functioning democracy (however imperfect) even the very peaceful protest against government is nothing but a blackmail leave alone the hunger strike. The only correct way to raise your voice is through PIL or any other court of law. Yes one could demonstrate his support for such PIL with candle marches etc. but straightforwardly protesting or having hunger strikes against any bill is nothing but blackmail.

The Gandhian way of protest is a tight rope to say the least. And in India it has been abused over and again equally for wrong purposes as much is for right purposes. It is in this context that I see the latest chaos around Anna Hazaare’s hunger strike.

Two fundamental questions need greater introspection than currently are being given:

1. Could Jan Lokpal Bill really help eradicate corruption or it would lead to more concentration of power and thus more corruption?
2. Is Hazare’s way, the right way to protest and making his voice heard or it’s blackmailing in context of a functioning democracy like India?

The answer to both questions has been discussed pretty immaculately by Bhanu Pratap Mehta in his article - Of the few, by the few

Power, divided in a democracy, can often be alibi for evading responsibility. But it is also a guarantee that the system is not at the mercy of a few good men. Having concentrated immense power, it then displays extraordinary faith in the virtue of those who will wield this power. Why do we think this institution will be incorruptible?

There is something deeply coercive about fasting unto death. When it is tied to an unparalleled moral eminence, as it is in the case of Anna Hazare, it amounts to blackmail.

On top of that, what perturbed me most was the response of government. I am not very appreciative of Indian government and Indian people as such, but one thing I have been proud my whole life and have been cherishing is the “democracy of India” (they call it pseudo-democracy, but I believe that’s the true nature of democracy and American way of democracy is pseudo in nature). The Indian democracy is the only ray of hope in the gross darkness of plethora of issues and problems.

“This is a victory for democracy”, said Anna Hazare. Quite oppositely, both, the hunger strike of Hazare and government’s response, in my view, have been a blatant ridiculing of the Indian democracy. I don’t think I need to remind that our government is a representative of 1 billion people if nothing else. It’s world’s largest democracy and having been invulnerable to number of recessions, neighbour countries’ rivalry and the resilience (like coming out of BoP crisis) it shows time and again, only shows the robustness of our democracy. I can’t help but compare this latest gross derision of government’s succumbing to Hazare’s demands to Indo-Pak division on Jinnah’s demands. Though people are putting Hazare in parallel to M. Gandhi but to me his hunger strike is more in parallel to Jinnah’s Direct Action. An important thing to note is that intention behind both has been noble: for one to give equal representation to Muslims while for other it has been eradication of corruption. Except that it’s anti-corruption bill, I doubt if half of people supporting Hazare even knew what Jan Lokpal Bill contains specifically.

In the quest of ‘Founding Pakistan’ and ‘Implementing Jan Lokpal Bill’ (note that I said implementing a bill and not eradicating corruption) the only difference has been violence. Rest all – blackmailing government, blind faith of people in leaders, government’s subsequent response, and inclusion of individuals in governance; has been same. But most of us still would like to believe that Hazare’s victory is democracy’s victory but Jinnah’s victory is the biggest smear on this institution called democracy. The irony lies in ‘our’ thinking.

There are people like me who would say, it’s all system’s fault; our system itself is all screwed up. No, it’s not. It’s not system’s fault, it’s our fault. Fundamentally it’s “we” and “our mentality” that are screwed up. Just take some time to think about how many times have we seen elections and out of those how many times have we voted; take time to think about why the percentage of voters (especially youth and middle class) keeps on coming down with every election.

I know sitting idle and doing armchair discussions and ranting around will not solve the problem. But I still believe one should be pretty clear about the direction a step would lead to, before taking that step.

कारवाँ

दूर उफ़क से उठी एक हल्की सी लो,
सुरख रेत पर फिर रह-गुज़र ढूँडने निकला एक कारवाँ है!

शायद कोई निशाँ बाकी रह जाएगा इस रेत पे,
बस इसी उमीद से आज हुए हम रवाँ है!!

होठों का तिल

तेरी यादों की खीज़ान आज फिर जैसे जवां हुई सी है!
दश्त में भी जैसे एक शाख-ए-गुल फिर आबाद हुई सी है!!!

तेरे होठों के तिल ने आज फिर कोई तो हरकत की सी है!
जो मेरे होठों पे फिर एक ग़ज़ल ने दस्तक दी सी है!!!